if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
