i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
