No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
