This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
