well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
