Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
