Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
