I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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