just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
