Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
