Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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