Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
