Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
