Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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