I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
