Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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