Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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