I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
