You're my little dorito
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
