brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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