i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
