Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
