she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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