I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
