Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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