dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
