so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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