Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
