if you like me you must not know who I am
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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