every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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