when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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