Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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