hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize