I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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