matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
