She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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