It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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