I'm eating all of the evidence.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
