I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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