I think my vagina is haunted
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
