I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
