I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
