It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize