Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
