I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
sarcasm needs its own font
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My vagina is officially offended.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
