The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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