FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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