Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
