Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
