booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
