I would go down on you faster than GM stock
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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