just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
