Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize