Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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