I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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