I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
