ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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