you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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