Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
im drinking this country out of the recession.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mom said you looked used
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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