I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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