Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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