I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Holy shit dude........stairs
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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